I do love children, they just have too much gristle!

I do love my children, honest I do.
I have to, you kind of enter a contract when you have sex, a bit like Russian Roulette with a penis. I am not saying this as a bitter old man who has seen his life and dreams be taken by a few moments of pleasure....noooooo. I am saying this as a manchild who has seen his life and dreams taken away by a few moments of pleasure.

Yes, I am by no way mature enough to take the title of man, I may inhibit the body, but the mind still thinks that milo and yogurt together in a mug with iced magic on top is wicked. I still love to make flame throwers with a lighter and a can of fly spray. Anton Enis the news reader on SBS still cracks me up (because his name sounds like penis).
Saying all this, I have have now embarked on the baton pass of life and I am now a father, four times over in fact. I have four children that look to me how I looked at my father when I was of the same age. I used to think that my fathers wallet was always full of money, I can understand the frustration of my children in Kmart, when they all want Ben 10 watches and I tell them no, how they can tell me that a PlayStation 3 isn't that expensive........although I have tried that same reasoning on my partner....she tells me it is....but gee I want one.....for the kids of course.

It is frighting that there is no one moment that it all falls into place. There is no rules and no one right way, just a understanding what is probably the wrong way, you will know this when Today Tonight are at your door questioning your morals.

I recently spoke to a old schoolfriend through facebook who was frustrated about how people treated her and her decision at this moment in her life, not to have children. I sent her a message saying how much I envied her, and I sent her this montage on what impact children have had on my life.

"Children are annoying, they stink, they ask stupid questions, they don't listen to the answers, they think they know everything, they touch things they shouldn't, they wake me up early, they cost too much, they need constant attention, they are never happy, they argue over stupid things, they make up jokes that are not funny, they make me late, they want to always go to the playground, i cant stay out late, they get poo everywhere but where it should be, they dribble in my mouth, they slap me on the head first thing in the morning, they don't respect me, they alway want to play xbox when i am, I cant play Gears of War when they are in the room, they get all the good food, they always want what I have, I have to do tuck shop, they cry in public places, they always want a doughnut, one visit to santa is never enough, no one knows who broke my cd shelf, I cant say boobies anymore because apparently Its teaching them bad words, baby clothes have pockets and I don't know why, a soiled nappy is never good at any time, you never get used to touching poo, they talk in high pitched tones when they are complaining, they open their eyes really big and say "yes daddy" when I tell them off and I know, and they know, that they are playing me. They leave half eaten bread around the house, last night I found noodles in my bed, I cant play the guitar anymore and I cant remember if i can anymore, they are more interested in Guitar Hero on the xbox than someone who can really play the f#*king thing, they get water all over the bathroom floor, they are always hungry, but only for food they want, they always want me to get them a drink, they never need to go to the toilet when I ask, only 10 minutes later when its not appropriate, babys put everything into their mouth, my teeth are ground to stubs, my car...my beautiful car......"

Dont get me wrong though, there are many good points, you know them when they happen, but the biggest thing is that they have no one else, you cant pass them on if they get too hard, how I wish that sometimes they had a off button and I could go back to sleep, they don't and you cant. You can only do the best you can, and wait until they get passed the baton.

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