Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Looking for love in the Isa.

Mayor John Molony cant go to the Buffalo Club, The Irish Club, Boydies, The Carpentaria, or The Tavern for a beer at the moment. Why? Because if a barmaid is angry at you, you will be bounced down the street before you can slur "I was only jokin' darlin" I know this because I have seen it happen.

John Molony suggested beauty-challenged women could find happiness in Mt Isa, where he said men outnumbered women at a ratio of about five to one.

Im not sure where the women of Mt Isa have taken offence, but they have and they have congregated on the lawns of the civic center to protest. One cheeky poppit has taken to wearing a t shirt stating "I'm Ugly And I Vote". It is a special town full of special people.

Just what is the point of the protest?

Put simply I think my Molony has said that if you are unlucky in love come to Mt Isa and there is somone here that will gladly show you some affection.

Im not sure if the complaints are justified, Ladies here is a brief outlay of what to expect from the overripe abundance of man folk.

'Barbque Bill', a single man who would always be at any BBQ I attended at any time anywhere in the city.

Big Al, a man who lived alone, was always cashed up, didnt have a job that anyone was aware of, made and detonated home made explosives on his front lawn. When his 80 year old neighbor died, to his credit he did notify the authourites.......but then...... Big Al ran a tv cable from his dead neighbors house to his tv set and watched Austar for a good three months.

Drummer Dave who was in fact a drummer, had a knack for saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. Worked as an explosives consultant. A pain in the arse at times but also a savior, as I found out when I was about to be beaten senseless in the mens toilets at a gig by a punter who didnt like my punk band.

Andrew the guitar guy, who lived with his mother, had hair down to his waist, and although never had a girlfriend would alway give other peoples girlfriends long and over affectionate hugs. Liked home made explosives.

Dave the Electrician who could play harmonica quite well, but would sing like a stabbed pig, and he loved to sing. He was an open mic man. Everything was a conspiracy against him. Liked lighting fires though.

Pat who liked "the older type", probably because they reminded him of his great grandmother. Lived on a single mattress on the floor surrounded by his own filth of beer bottles and chip wrappers.

Steve who loved a schooner of port to start the day, and had his own special interpretations of the bible.

Jamie who put fake manikins under a blanket on the highway so that eighteen wheeler trucks would run over it thinking it was a real person. Who made an effigy of Jesus stuffed with prawn heads and tied it to the top of his land cruiser. Who also shaved off the top of his hair male pattern baldness style, to go clubbing, and liked to make home made explosives.

Does anyone remember Wolf Creek? Now your getting it.

They are all there ladies waiting for you.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

When Only The Best Will Do


"Daddy, you shouldn't smoke. It will make your teeth fall out"

It was with this wry observation that I made the decision to give up smoking two years ago. The observer was my six year old son who upon sighting the horrid decaying teeth on my packet of Peter Jackson super milds, became the face of the anti smoking lobby.

It seemed fair enough and I made my son my higher power (Step 2 of the 12 step program). I made a promise to him that come the end of the weekend I would cease smoking. I did this and so forth ended my smoking career. This journey, that started behind home economics at Mt Barker High School was ending in my Kitchen with a promise to a small child.....or so I thought.

I decided to have a cigarette last week, I decided this after trying my best to implement my personal theory. "Never argue with an idiot, as they beat you with experience and drag you down to their level". Nuff said.

My brain screamed out for some sort of relief, and that relief was in my friends packet of Benson & Hedges, I thought, what the hell, I have been a non smoker for two years, this is just the thing I need at this moment.

That one turned to two, then a packet, then another and before I can say "That smooth smooth taste and rich flavor", BAM! I was again a smoker. That quick. I was back to the old habits like they were a part of my DNA. I enjoyed smoking and all the while I thought, I can give up anytime. Truth is, I can give up anytime, but the question should be, why did I start?

Addiction is a woolly one isn't it. It covers so may bases and I think everyone has a form of addiction one way or another, some people have multiple. I have had two, cigarettes and (Mum, Dad and all loved ones look away.....) bongs.

I loved bongs, and I lived in a culture were almost everyone I knew shared the same love for the bamboo schooner. It became normal and when I realized that I was no longer a teenager, in fact twice the age of a teenager. That I was starting to become a manchild hanging with the stoners. I decided that it may be a good time to stop. It took me a year before I could do things like watch a movie, play xbox or play music without having them trigger a feeling that I was missing something.

This feeling is the feeling I got that made me light up a cigarette and It was so in the moment and so powerful and I thought that I could have one and be ok with it.

Two weeks later I am again quitting cigarettes, but all the while my addicted brain is giving me reasons not to like 'Hey buddy, you roll cigarettes so perfectly, it would be a shame for you not to give your talent to the world".

It is not as hard as it was two years ago but the urge grows if you let your guard down, and I guess you can never let your guard down.