When Only The Best Will Do

"Daddy, you shouldn't smoke. It will make your teeth fall out"

It was with this wry observation that I made the decision to give up smoking two years ago. The observer was my six year old son who upon sighting the horrid decaying teeth on my packet of Peter Jackson super milds, became the face of the anti smoking lobby.

It seemed fair enough and I made my son my higher power (Step 2 of the 12 step program). I made a promise to him that come the end of the weekend I would cease smoking. I did this and so forth ended my smoking career. This journey, that started behind home economics at Mt Barker High School was ending in my Kitchen with a promise to a small child.....or so I thought.

I decided to have a cigarette last week, I decided this after trying my best to implement my personal theory. "Never argue with an idiot, as they beat you with experience and drag you down to their level". Nuff said.

My brain screamed out for some sort of relief, and that relief was in my friends packet of Benson & Hedges, I thought, what the hell, I have been a non smoker for two years, this is just the thing I need at this moment.

That one turned to two, then a packet, then another and before I can say "That smooth smooth taste and rich flavor", BAM! I was again a smoker. That quick. I was back to the old habits like they were a part of my DNA. I enjoyed smoking and all the while I thought, I can give up anytime. Truth is, I can give up anytime, but the question should be, why did I start?

Addiction is a woolly one isn't it. It covers so may bases and I think everyone has a form of addiction one way or another, some people have multiple. I have had two, cigarettes and (Mum, Dad and all loved ones look away.....) bongs.

I loved bongs, and I lived in a culture were almost everyone I knew shared the same love for the bamboo schooner. It became normal and when I realized that I was no longer a teenager, in fact twice the age of a teenager. That I was starting to become a manchild hanging with the stoners. I decided that it may be a good time to stop. It took me a year before I could do things like watch a movie, play xbox or play music without having them trigger a feeling that I was missing something.

This feeling is the feeling I got that made me light up a cigarette and It was so in the moment and so powerful and I thought that I could have one and be ok with it.

Two weeks later I am again quitting cigarettes, but all the while my addicted brain is giving me reasons not to like 'Hey buddy, you roll cigarettes so perfectly, it would be a shame for you not to give your talent to the world".

It is not as hard as it was two years ago but the urge grows if you let your guard down, and I guess you can never let your guard down.